Ode to pregnancy, and Mari.... same thing

I would like to take this moment to let my dear friend Mari know that I love her. Ok... stop crying... seriously... I know you're an emotional bag of hormones right now.... but get a grip!

Wishing you the absolute best on your pregnancy, and although it's a joyous occasion, I hope you have it easier than I did. But just in case, I would like to be a good friend and prepare you for the following:

1. Weird cravings
2. Swollen ankles, face, NOSE (this was the worst), hands, thighs
3. Unable to find ANY shoes that fit your fat, porky little feet
4. Developing asthma midway through the pregnancy (this was awful)
5. Developing diabetes (thankfully it wasn't too bad for me)
6. Having your head surgically attached to the "All Mighty Porcelain God"
7. Having to insert suppositories in your bum to stabilize your stomach long enough to eat just one tiny meal..... before throwing it up
8. "Braxton Hicks" that scare the be-jesus out of you. If you don't know what I'm talking about... hee hee.. good luck!
9. Weird pigmentation adjustments, especially on the face
10. Never-ending, unbelievably painful gas :0
11. Not being able to walk without waddling
12. Hearing people whisper as you walk by "DAMN.... She's about to POP!"
13. The most emotional ride of your life. Crying because you ran out of queso fresco or because you are convinced your husband couldn't possibly love your fat ass anymore.... ji ji ji
14. Your legs going numb in the middle of the night
15. Having to pee every five freakin' seconds, going to bathroom... and NOTHING! Baby just resting on your bladder, thank you very much
16. And this one was my personal favorite. Rushing to the hospital the week before my due date thinking that my water broke. Instead, the beautiful reality.... I peed on myself when I stood up. I was so huge that there was absolutely no more room between my bladder and baby; therefore, making me pee a little every time I stood up. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
17. So with that said, may you not pee on yourself towards the end of your pregnancy. Nothing a little "Depend" won't fix though.

Love ya... Happy Pregnancy!